Days Forty-Two- Forty Nine

Because so much happened in the last few days, these entries have been (somewhat lazily) hardcore edited and lumped together for the following reasons:
       1) this period covers 13 pages of the notebook in which I first jotted it all down (in note form)
       2) NJ (New Jersey) and I spent a lot of time together - entirely alone, the only mitnadvim left - on the kibbutz and most likely completely and utterly lost it. Hence there are interesting sketches, plans and strange tales which to this day I don't understand the meaning of entirely,
      3) there seems to be a lot of strange details and stories about goats, ADD and the social dynamic amongst the madrichim in the Beit Hacar, much of which will be lost on the reading audience. Strangely, these factors all seem to interplay a lot. For their esoteric and idiosyncratic (not to mention frightening) nature, they have been either omitted or highly edited.

Wednesday - Hungarian and the Frenchie left the kibbutz to go start their Ulpan - the latter thank g-d, the former I'll miss. So for the first time EVER, the kibbutz fell completely silent. Silent that is, but for the sound of NJ. Together we discussed the differences between ADD and ADHD. So now I know!

We also learnt a new word in Hebrew - מעמי' - 'mummy' - the equivalent of 'babes' or whatever. However I did not know this. I explained to the culprit uttering this that, in English, 'mummy' is not a term of sexual endearment, and if it is used as such, it's actually more fetishistic. Yeuurrgghh. Of course, these occasions are when language barriers are the most funnest!

Thursday - a group of young Charedi boys visited the Beit Hacar today. The first point at which I decided I loathed them intensely was when the banot sherut (the girls doing their national service - sherut leumi - at the zoo) and I were forbidden to enter the zoo while the boys were in there, as weren't tzniut enough, incase we corrupted the boys' neshamot, possinbly with a hint of eye contact, or a smidgen of elbow (the actual 'ervah' of the arm was covered entirely, you see, as were all our lady lumps and bumps, by our baggy 'madrich' tshirts).

This was the second occasion in which I've seen uber-Charedim being crap with animals - in Har Nof, it was a regular (and horrific) occurence to see stray cats being kicked by Charedi children, and even sometimes the men and women. Sick. Anyhoo, this time, I wanted to check that my animals were being treated nicely and well, so I snuck in to wash my hands (which were covered in varnish anyway). What i saw was like some crazy hallucination:


The thirty or so boys in the petting cage (where i work regularly) were picking up and throwing the dogs at each other, which was disgusting enough, but then one of the boys picked up a goat (!!!) and, dancing and trying to push it above his tiny pre-pubescent head, began singing a highly strained version of had gadya. This led the other boys to stop throwing the dogs aroiund,a dn join hiim in forming a circle, with the boy holding the goat in the centre.


I looked to his teachers, hoping they'd have the common sense and decency to stop him. Did they f***. The teachers joined in, leading the dancing and singing louder than their pupils!


Absolutely horrified by this, i left myself into the cage and sat in the second pen, where the dogs go to cool down. As soon as I got in there, all of the dogs flocked to me, most of them shaking. Then, all of goats and sheep - who usually ignore me or at least don;t flock over - came into the second pen aswell. There were about 30 animals sitting with me, trying to gte away from the evil boys on the other side of the fence.

Declaring the pen 'assur' (forbidden), the boys then settled for trying to throw stones through the links in the fence, while I shouted at them to stop and their teachers encouraged them to continue.

Disgusting.

I thought it couldn't get any worse. But, about an hour or so later, after the second group had goneI let all the animals back into the amin pen, and checked them over. Then I noticed that the dog with the little bronw face wasn;t there.

I looked everywhere - all around the pen, all around the zoo - but it wasn't anywhere. then I noticed that, in the main pen, the hole that she'd been digging for the past two weeks (and which she liked to sleep down during visitng hours) had been covered up.

I considered for five minutes whether or not I would be actually crazy enough to dig - with my bare hands, like a dog - the hole up again. Then, thinking, 'ah why not?' i did. It took about 4 minutes to dig up - it was a very deep hole - and as I was digging, more and more of the madrichim were coming around to look at what the 'mitnadevet meshugat' (crazy volunteer girl) was doing.

Then, I saw a little brown face emerge, looking terrified and covered in dirt. I thought I was going to be sick, I was so shocked. We don't know how long it had been down there, but we checked it over and it seemed alright after an hour or so.

Later I saw some of the charedi boys' group go up to the baby donkey in the pen and throw dust into it's face, just to see what would happen, and lauhging, then I shooed them away, and they took to throwing stones at the separated and very cartzioty doggies.

The best bit of the day was when, finally realising it was time to go, the headteacher spoke over the intercom saying how great the day had been, how much fin they'd all had, and what kiddush hashem's they'd all been. I was hiding in the office, and i couldn;t help but laugh out loud at his lack of self-awareness. I know I'm no angel, but at least i can recognise when I'm being hypocritical and ridiculous.

Friday - I went to Haifa, to visit Aussie girl for Shabbat in Yemin Orde. It was great to see her!

Shabbat - YO is gorgeous. Really clean and friendly.
We had a lovely dinner and lunch in the cheder ochel with the kids, then Aussie and I went to Nir Etzion - a moshav across from YO and went o the zoo there. We met a 13 year old English-French-Israeli Charedi boy, who we talked to or about 45 minutes and who was absolutely charming and a true kiddush hashem. It just goes to show that my experiences with the charedim in the zoo but a few days before might have been horrific, but that I shouldn't generalise all Charedi behaviour by that.

During Shabbat I had a realisation - THE penny-dropping moment - to put a long story short ( hereafter abbreviated to 'tpalss'), I don't know if i can return to London and be ...'happy'(?) there - I've never in my life reached such a nice state of calmness, happiness and centrality, focus and balance as I have had on this trip, and it made me realise that, everything I thought was so great in London, or at least settled for - the crappy (and in hindsight highly unsuitable) relationships; so-called 'modern Orthodoxy', London style; stuff at home and my general life plans up unto this point (MA; Teach First; Teaching; marriage, kids, live in London etc etc etc) - it;s really not so great, nor how I want to live my life.

I don't want to do another year of uni, doing all the same things I have been doing for three years, reading and writing excessively while trying to keep it all together and seeing the weeks fall by without doing anything practical or significant; I don't want to marry some clone from the ghetto, have kids and settle in Hendon/Golders, send the kids to JFS/Hasmo and get caught up in the claustrophobia of the community; I. Don't. Want. Everyone. In. My. Face. Telling. Me. What. To. Do. The. Whole. Bloody. Time, then getting upset and hurt when I want to do something that I - yes, I - want to do, which doesn't necessarily benefit everyone, but it does benefit me (I am NOT that clever, but at least I know this and don't have to struggle through an entire year of MA just to prove I have a brain by having another graduation picture on the wall). Because it;s my life and I bloody well want to lead it and shape it according to what is best for me, and what will be best. In short, the space my mother left for my MA and PhD graduations pics on her 'simcha wall' will probably lay bare for a few years yet.

In short, I believe a gap year in Israel - volunteering and generally doing whatever I want to do, alone and totally free, is way more beneficial to my overall everything than any MA, at least for the meantime. I've never felt anything so strongly in my life - not saying that I'll make Aliya after that year off, but if it happens now, then it happens now.

I wonder how my parents and grandparents will take it. Think I'll keep that bit of news - like the nosepiercing - to myself for a bit. I've never felt so happy or so apprehensive. What a fantastic epiphany!

Sunday - came back to kibbutz aftee my amazing, thought-provoking Shabbat with Aussie in YO. My mate from the zoo and I fed the baby cows, which made us really hungry and so we went to Burger Ranch. Then I went to the ever-lovely and welcoming P famille to discuss my new plan, just to check I wasn't losing it or being stupid. They thought it was great.

Monday - went to Jeru to discuss shizzle with Nefesh B'Nefesh. they were located in kanfei nesharim - just a stone's throw away from my old stomping ground. Even in my happy state, just getting on the same busses, one stop up, having a coffee in a cafe i used to frequent etc etc - fermented weird and horrible recollections and feelings of unease etc of being in the same place. Then I left to go see Holland, the mitnadevet, in her new sem, and I went to a mussar lecture. Was really good - I realised I would've enjoyed sem way more if I hadn't gone anywhere Charedi. I 'chupped' it, if you will.

Tuesday - my mate from the moshav next door picked me up and we walked through the fields to the moshav - took 30 mins, but was such a lovely walk, had a rly nice time. Then she drove us to TLV and we got froyo.